HanOneSail

https://www.npr.org/2024/01/17/1223674516/the-self-proclaimed-bipolar-general-is-waging-war-on-the-stigma-of-mental-illnes "Leow says people on the bipolar spectrum are often attracted by the way a military career rewards aggressive, daring behavior. Unfortunately, the intensity of that work can ignite severe symptoms, she says." The logic checks out another old phrase forgotten but now coming back when needed. Be aware, that this is a recount of past memories and processing the emotions and stress from dealing with an abusive friend, who once was relatively a good person. He has his own traumas and issues, and I wish him well, it just so happens that he did influence my life somewhat even though I used to feel like, no one will ever influence me... the thing is, when someone has a mirror-like personality, it do kind of become a problem. From personal experience, this is shared to perhaps help some other soul out there on the digital ocean of the net, to perhaps find comfort to know, they are not alone within their own depression. IF you are also someone suffering from madness, and finally coming to a better state of sanity, please consider getting professional therapy. Therapy is nice since, even when you are stable and better... it is best to keep up with it, as it is to ensure prolonged stability. Mental health in this country is a problem, I wouldn't know about others, since I am just a poet, creative writer, and someone who is able to finally live his life due to responsibilities and handling emotional laundry. During moments of relapse and psychosis from whatever causes... one being caffeine and alcohol, another factor... I have found myself so lucky or blessed to have the will power I have. Before starting this lengthy read, I share to you the reader my most earliest poem that assisted me in withstanding any self-destructive thought. It proved to be useful throughout my life, as whenever I find myself sinking into an abyss, I rise above again, there have been people who have helped me. The emotion of love will always breath life back into me, but I prepared myself for even a fate where love could not be attainable as I have severe ptsd from a near death car accident as a 5th grader. I am doing my best to overcome it, and I have a professional therapist who I will be discussing some of this journal with tomorrow. I am okay with putting out what I put out, due to the fact that there is always a hero complex within me, and this will help me sleep better, as it kind of effects my insomnia sometimes. Anyways here is Shattered:

Discord log for cognition repair and ego health: "By utilizing text channels in this format, it clears the headspace kind of, the imagery and visualizing is like being shocked. This is the feeling to imagine, there was times when I used a dog clicker on myself during high school... there was a time where I tried to water board myself. In the end, we never made it into the service of military, and this next part is extremely important... we are not fit for such a career or life style. So, when people say things like, if you want to move to Taiwan, my family is military, how dare you disrespect, move out of this country then or whatever that one person said the other month that kind of triggered me... WELL BOI, I DEDICATED MY ENTIRE LIFE TO BE MILITARY BOUND BECAUSE I WAS A GOD DAMN brainwashed person... and I had to brainwash myself to undo their brainwashing. (youth) And possessed with the anger from other people... being drowned 2 times, didn't help. It didn't help that I didn't speak up about it at those years, just brushed it off thinking, this is how a man is. We tough everything out and bottle it all in, nothing can stop us, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Oh please, the body will have a limit, I was literally having auto immune disease issues since 2018 fall. My mouth was so fucked up I couldn't eat rice anymore for a bit. Spicy food as well, and recently I can finally have spicy food again without pain... rice was better again a few years ago, so that was a blessing, but it's called attaining knowledge, then making the decisions to heal the body. By seeing and opening up about these issues and psychological history of a person, whereas I am using myself as an example... I am saying that one can push themselves or guide themselves to a better version of themselves. When Fieldy, from Korn came to our high school and talked about how he changed his life around. That was inspiring, now taking that into account, after DMT, your experience was so life changing and profound, you were in a process of evolving into a different person but at the same time an old version. You went back to age 4 and had to grow up again. The takeaway, since we are trying to stop having these loops into seeing the light come in, breaking out of that "undead ego" and other past theories and concepts from delusional childhood coping methods to deal with trauma that was blocked back then... revealed through psychedelics, it was a turning point you never can give up. And then 2021, you realized that what works for Fieldy, might not be 100 % for you. Sure being a Christian, it feels like 50 % of you is fine, but the other 50 %, the shadow of yourself is angered at your contradicting self. For the shadow might as well be your God Complex. This is the best way to summarize all these decades of meditation and self reflection. Tonight you will sleep before 4 AM, even though you were going for 12 AM. You won't see the sunrise and that's okay, breaking from the "perfectionist ego" means breaking the rules and protocol here and there that you place down in your mind to constrain and limit yourself. In a way, you handicap yourself due to being too powerful at times. This is all a fear, of how scary you can be if it is provoked. Since, you know as a bully who bullied bullies, and after seeing that Adam Sandler movie anger management, the scene with the white dude who becomes a Buddhist monk, really made you laugh... cause it's representation of you. So why are we going over things, because for the rewrite of Shadows of God, although you would prefer to write a more traditional story, you want to be inclusive to some degree, but the writing can't be forced. When Distortion age chapters 6-7 or whatever became too personal and about C.L., you realized you were actually in love with him. No one is supposed to ever know, that you have trans feelings, everyone is only suppose to know that you are a straight male. But seeing society open about it today... you want to come out. And then you started to slowly. The trauma of Palos Verdes 2013, hindered your growth, but you broke out of that with poetry and your own voice: https://soundcloud.com/hanonesail/metamorphosis-out-of-paralysis-ft-audiobinger-death-note

#relisten #sleeponit #sexualtraumarelated #reinforcing #masculinity #selfcare #selfhealing And the video about how Fieldy wants people to know Christ was there for them because he died on a cross for the sins of humanity, it's a compassionate story, but it just relapses me to how I had a messiah complex, and however and when the God complex came to be, maybe at the same time... it did not provide me with the life decisions I would of made if I was never forced into Christianity during preschool one at City of Industry, it was thanks to preschool 2 at the other city, that we had a healthier outlook within religion... because they were all good Christians. And over my decades of life, I have had to deal with constant back to back frustration or adoration for religion. After 2017, I was sure that religion is something that needs to coexistence with each other. I am not some kind of expert, I'm just a dude who lived his life to the fullest, and tries to remember every minute of it, including the depressed parts which just happen to be a majority of his life. Since, he is just trying to be an apex of a human being, but at the same time he becomes machine-like to ensure that he doesn't lose control of his emotions. The problem is when push comes to shove, how long can he keep his cool? And when those he loves becomes those he has disdain for or issues with, does he find it possible to forgive them? Or does his God Complex look at them as if a judge. The biggest problem was, becoming highly immersive into consumption of media for the sake of becoming the most legendary story teller of the 21st century. It's coming back more as we type, but now that we are older and on proper bipolar medication for a year and a half now... we can properly process things and not feel like, "If I don't do this within 5 days, or 3 days... the rapture is going to take people away or the world is going to end." For example, we just had a solar eclipse recently... I didn't go superstitious, and I didn't care to see it much. I can see pictures of it, even if I want to peek at it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XMnBXo1Tfo&ab_channel=MicahShippee%2CPhD

Everything always comes back to something, and that's fine... it's more peculiar that other people project and disrespect us, then wonder... why Han's the way he is. Well holy shit mate, did ya ever think that maybe han might of not have enjoyed being called a retard, dumbass, fatass, fa**ot, gay, and shit... cause maybe han is trans for whatever reason? Of course they wouldn't know, and I didn't care, in my mind, words can't hurt me... yet I ended up becoming a poet and creative writer, then I learned that words can effect people overtime. from body dysmorphia, to voice issues, and developmental problems... stuff that has been covered in proven research I'm sure I've read before... or discussed with friends who studied such subjects. It's also like, if I do think like a machine, it doesn't bother me, but if I think like a human... I feel obligated to educate the subject since it's something I had to recover from... this Stockholm syndrome like state. Where I can't even truly be myself, and now I'm at the point of like, who really even am I? But like B.C. my childhood friend said sometime ago, "We've always loved you man..." and so why do I think I'm this beast, this minotaur at times, then I watched a video about a manga that triggered some of these past mythical beliefs of the self and humanity. I am an addict for stories and myths, that's something that reoccurred to me recently... I am ending this entry soon so I will post the video after this next bit. Being around my old friend L. is how I'm able to be calm about my situation. Around him and his friends, I can feel like a man that doesn't get emotional much at all, and this is what I want to function for an actual job. Now the problem is, as an artist I require emotion, therefore during these moments... I need loneliness and maybe small groups of relative talks regarding whatever genre is at hand. Whether that be non fiction or fiction. HanOneSail — 02/01/2024 4:17 AM

24.) Watched this sometime ago, it was interesting to see this type of story. The Minotaur is always an interesting myth to see:

https://youtu.be/xdtS1V7J-7s?si=qDj56eVQ_2RI2Lnj

- #lit-research This video reminded me of my temper as a child, which to me when I read about how a maiden's song calms down the raging minotaur, correct me if I'm wrong... but I'm pretty sure that was the first version of the myth I knew as a grade schooler. Anyways, point is that was a way to contain my anger, all I'm saying is, just cause I'm not a Christian anymore, doesn't mean I'm going to be worse or better. It's all about my perspective and how I go about the next decades to come. As a timely person, I act based on my physical age, the delirium is that as a spiritual person my age is all over the place. Within the usage of DMT one time, and the manic episodes of 120 hours to 72 hours awake, the mind did suffer states of psychosis, during these times I completely remove as many stress relief sources and isolate myself due to whatever reason. In a way, when I reflect on it this month of April during 2024, and 4 is my lucky number, it speaks to me and says... were you just limit testing this whole time, to conquer your phobias and worries? While at the same time using yourself to portray to social media from Facebook, tumblr, twitter, and never instagram, since that is the one site to practice normality and to be more coherent and not so socially awkward. But at the same time, since C.L. was your grounding, you kind of don't care what anyone thinks. Since, now you just care about yourself more, and hence the Sigma Mode. Where it's every man for themselves, and at the same time you want to save others, but you've spent a long few decades of your entire life always being the hero complex as a core base. Now you can finally just be a civilian... meanwhile others chose to be villains. How much of the world is bipolar? If black and white decision making is a bipolar trait, then how many of our politicians are bipolar? Kanye is pretty bipolar... yikes, but end of the day there's one song that helps seal away any shred of anxiety. Old School victor, made during 2018 during my time Working at a theme park, where I got to see more of the ugly side of humans, of course the majority of guests were nice and respectful, but there were definitely some bad eggs. And why is it that you chose the word eggs, cause usually in April during the happier moments of child hood, me and mother would go Easter egg hunting. And so you are diving in for also the positive times... even if most of it is darkness. As diablo 4 is nearing may, we need no emotional attachments, we must be like water... we cannot afford this failure, since we only have that month to hit level cap without dying. It is ego building and ego driven, it is a gamer thing... as someone who uses gaming as a method to test his spirituality... from his mental to emotional states. It is in a way a measure for bipolar disorder since it is a mood disorder. This is all you need to remember, and be glad that even though you were a college dropout during 2011, when you were getting A's finally, you made the right decisions because you already know that back then you were walking a path of damnation is the best way to put it. You desired a life that was socially influenced by others, it wasn't the life that you actually wanted as a grade schooler when dad gave you a dollar for your allowance, but then soon couldn't cause of the fact that the newspaper business we had was just not it. And that's why you make it clear to people... your a hobbyist writer, if you could make money off of it that would be nice, but why not offer the life experiences out as a "blog" or whatever, and then charge for the novel. For those who have supported me by just being there, and gaming with me, keeping me company... truly grateful, so it sucks that here I am talking the way I'm talking... and the part that hurts is that, just like C.L. said, "you got a lot of friends." Of course I do, that's the life of twitch streaming or even just being a viewer. It's not my fault that C.L.'s outlook was always negative and hateful, then he thinks I'm just like him... but it is my fault that I never could tell him how I actually feel, and that might be due to the fact that during high school, he did say things to me like, "If you don't listen to me, I'm gonna kick your ass." And I found myself today on the phone with a friend, able to actually let out some anger about that. And how I would of wanted him to fight me, but because I am the son of my parents... this is not the wae, sorry I needed that Ugandan knuckles joke right there to lighten the subject. Since, for me as I'm writing these things, it just feels like a river, sometimes it might get hot, or cold, but it's pretty chill. For the readers or those who think I'm some kind of threat cause they probably also have trust issues and ptsd of their own... well fuckidy fuck, humanity is just friendly firing itself so much that I got sick and tired of it. So, now I just live my life again like in high school but better and more responsibly. I live it like a hippie again, and I'm having a good time. I'm not saying don't join the military, I'm just saying... I'm just gonna maintain the whole peace and love vibes, since that's better for my actual brain and health. As ANGER produces CORTISOL, and for me that's like not a good thing. Even reduced gaming due to the hard truth that gaming at this age isn't going to be the best activity at times. Like I could possibly be fine, but as an overly cautious person in some form, I like to put up a safety net before I perform within the spotlight. And being a streamer is in a way, being an actor... you are the camera man, the manager, the script writer if you use one, and everything. Until you get a crew, but personally streaming is just a hobby and social window. It's also a good way to save gas and resources to hang out with friends. So that's why I am totally fine with streaming less nowadays. Especially since, I'm able to control my emotions again better, mainly anger... and I understand my conditions somewhat better thanks to getting help from professionals and not seeking help or listening to help from unprofessionals who probably just feel pity or concern for me. I don't know how to perceive people at times, and that's from a life of being backstabbed by people. Even when someone is nice to me, I sometimes in the back of mind think, it's too good to be true. And then years go by, and I'm like soooo, we're still talking to each other, hanging out... that's nice. I hope they'll still accept me for who I am when... I already know my unraveling is going to keep going... and basically this should be the end of it. After father died, my fear of not having the will to go on, was over. I more than ever want to live, even if it's painful to miss him from time to time, but I know dad and me talked enough about death and the afterlife to be secure and happy that I did all I could all my life to be there for him. I freaking saved my dad's life multiple times, so fuck C.L. for manipulating my life just cause he couldn't trust me. And the other foos, well thanks but no thanks, if you just trusted me more, I wouldn't have had to go about my life this way... DMT was suppose be taken at age 30, instead the moment happened while I was in a hustler ego at the time... "You miss the opportunities you don't take." and the saying from my slight research during senior year after C.L. told me about it... "It finds you." So of course, as my cortisone shot makes me empty inside during feb 2011, does it become worse when grandma dies in March, the most important person in the whole world to me... and my first loved one dying, then the appearance of this "meaning of life" ego death hitting the reset substance occurs... of course I'm do it. Not to mention it was a good price, and it wasn't bad quality, it's the fact that I didn't know how much trauma I had. I didn't know how damaged I am... and so what's been done must be carried out, the recovery process even if unknown to me prior, became a set in stone destiny, until BFA came out and illidan said fuck you to destiny — Today at 3:45 AM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Td0pUwrBWjc&ab_channel=WorldofWarcraft

Which is related cause, like I said before, I kind of did get really into Illidan's lore during warcraft 3 days, cutting it down... the root of all this, is just religious trauma. So relearning religion within the modernization of it helps, but if I ever do go back to being Atheist fully... don't judge me, it's to protect my health from the lunacy dealt to me. So many decisions in my life influenced by God fearing Christian influence. Don't need to get into it, and this is where I end the talk, if not for the pastors I've met and Christians I befriended, I wouldn't be able to have a sense of zen again. And only with a sense of zen can I write Shadows of God. For it must be as free of negativity as possible... that doesn't mean it won't have dark moments, it just means it will be written with the focus of being a heroes' journey type of story. #endjournaldraft #finishprocess #reducefocusonnonfiction #redirectofiction #repeatthistoyourself4times

1. [4:07 AM]"Cross my heart..." that came to mind as we repeated those hashtags 4 times. Logical thinking vs abstract thinking, is always an interesting thing about the human mind.

2. [4:08 AM]#reversepsychology #phobias #childhood #adulthood #traumarecovery #alwayshavehope #nevergiveintodespair

There's an atmosphere song called yesterday, look it up and you'll get a kick out of it. My father passed on yesterday in his sleep, he seemed to be in no pain. He got covid last week due to the facility he was at. His nutrition wasn't right as the staff messed up when they transferred him to another room. I spent yesterday dealing with grief and rage, even though I understand him being 96 years old didn't help any of this. I haven't been my usual cheery optimistic self, parts of my darker alter ego dark visage are seeping back in again. My identity to fit in with society, meanwhile the ego I try to live as the most aka Han One Sail is maturing more. It feels strange how after he passed on, I had less of a writer's block, I know why after analyzing why. I could not finish my novels quickly due to moving three times, manic episodes, and other reasons. However, what I often ignored was that part of why I can't finish them before my dad passes on is cause somewhere within my subconscious I know it's not realistic. I shouldn't care so much about that when I can spend more time with him. When he wasn't sleeping all the time I made the effort to, I lived with him til the end, I listened and got to know him since a child. I have been preparing for this day since first grade back in the 90s. My life as a writer was one to follow my father's footsteps who did non fiction stuff mostly like the news and what not. He was creative as well, but he focused reporting, which I never did get to ask him why. He couldn't talk properly for the past year, he held out for a whole year and the only reason he died was covid was the last straw. I am filled with a godly wrath due to my god complex. Which became more of a thing after usage of DMT back in 2011 of spring around my birthday. I have become a colder person again as of late. I know this is my defense mechanism when I am in deep pain that causes me to not function well. I have to become more like Dark Visage in order to function at my new part time job coming up in the arriving week. I have spent a good year and more in therapy and been properly medicated. My decisions to consume psychedelics again is a part of trauma recovery. I want to be able to drive a car, but the ptsd in me is more challenging than most of any other trauma I've conquered. I sometimes feel like, is it because during 2002, I truly felt like that was the last moment of my life, so I remembered the whole moment with as much focus, since this is the last moment of my life? I don't know, but the flashbacks are always around, and father almost died that year in a coma. Looking like a skeleton, and my chickens were attacked and fed upon by coyotes. My first girlfriend appeared before me after that thanksgiving and I was no longer who I was when she liked me. I was hideous to myself, 90 lbs in the fifth grade lookin like that kid from up but with ptsd. It's dark humor to me to lighten the mood. I ended up losing faith in God, and became nihilistic. It was during the end of Freshman year I became charmed by the idea of being as many personality types as possible to better understand psychology and insanity. Since the root cause of the world's problems must be madness? Primates are genetically primed for territorial warfare, if we evolved from them then are we not just obsessed with technology now? A recent event in my life caused me to ponder on how my obsession with ai art effects others. During my time using it, I was severely depressed and it brought me out of depression. With how the news is today and everything I wonder more about it, but it's just a distraction at the same time. I became a more lone wolf personality because I can't care about other people's feelings as much anymore. I need to be more of a sigma and less of an alpha or beta since I haven't much time left. If I have about 30 more years to have a hopefully stable and somewhat sane mind, I need to make usage now since I'm behind on schedule from what I had hoped for back in 2012, when I first started writing Shadows of God. Anyways, I wish I wasn't like this, but it's the only way for me to cope, since the possibilities of finding a life partner who can handle or keep up with me is not hopeful to me, since that would mean they would also have to be the main bread maker as I am just a somewhat disabled individual who can't fucken drive a car due to stupid ass ptsd. Every time I try to drive it's usually bad, like life or death bad. So I just started to physically train myself again after a year of being afraid of natural cortisol and how it effects my bipolar mind. Cortisol can cause mania suicidal behavior in a bipolar person, I had a cortisone shot back in February 2011. I recall feeling empty and hollow inside, when prior I was giddy and chill. Since if I wanted a relationship, I want to be able to provide the money. With the loss of a loved one, I don't know what to really expect, but it's going okay so far I think. I'm just writing away my stress and emotions so that I don't end up doing anything stupid. It's all for the novel, it's all for consistency and a better sleep schedule. I was sleeping around 6 am to 2 pm sometimes for years now, I am a night owl due to insomnia, but it wasn't always like this. It was fair at times during high school, and when I was in college or federal trade school. I sometimes wonder what it would of been like if I was qualified to join the military, but life as an literary artist is all I could ever ask for or dream of. Being a story teller is a hobby, it would be nice to make money off of it in this world economy we are bent to follow. However, I will still try to be what I want to be, regardless of what others expect of me. I flow and move as accordingly to the year of my age, time is ticking and I have spent most of my past years in recovery from deeply rooted trauma from age 4 and other times of my life. Being nearly drowned before and shit probably never helped. Abandonment issues made me colder and more insane, since at heart I was a rabbit... but life made me become a wolf. One thing I'm glad about is, I was 244 lbs in April 2022 my peak weight due to depression and stress eating. Now I'm 213 lbs... was able to sprint for a minute earlier today so that's better than how I used to be. I have physical problems that made exercise harder in life, I can't understand other people at times since I have to live through others to truly feel at times. It's why I appreciate art, but at the end of the day survival needs that come first will always be, food and water, shelter, and staying sane. That's what I worried about since a child, and that's still a part of my life due to my disabilities. I dislike dealing with immature individuals, I dislike being told what to do due to a rebellious nature, but I do my best to be considerate and heed such advice since I am a man who grew up within insanity. Within the company of friends I became more codependent on friendships to live, within the company of myself I became my own best friend. I joke about how on my twitch stream, I am my number one viewer, and this is still true as I rewatch my own stream from time to time. It's time travelling machine to see myself when I was a better gamer at times and when age didn't catch up as much and the amount of stress my brain has been through after many manic episodes with 5 days and nights unable to sleep cause I'm on an one man army mission to save society through the internet. Not caring how I will be seen, not giving much of a shit about how I will be, only one goal, to prove a point. Insanity is the enemy of society, and sadly that is what the world is. The recent world events going on make it more nerve-wrecking, I used to obsess over consuming the news during my dmt ego recovery times. I micro dose the news nowadays to maintain sanity. I stay somewhat current since, it's a part of being a novelist... and even if I'm just an amateur at best, I still strive to produce some kind of profound or interesting work. Spending more time with my father and putting the novel Shadows of God on pause was the right call. Going back to predecessor made me able to process my grief better than other games that just don't scratch that itch I have. As an moba and arpg addict, it's nice to see better games for these genres out again. It helps with my coping methods since gaming is the one thing that will never leave me, and I know that's why I am addicted to gaming. So I been toning down less and doing it in moderation more, but the one thing I know is, I saved my father's life many times, and I'm glad I never gave up on him. He was the strongest man and most morally upright I knew, and yet he was an atheist. I am not going to become an atheist again, but I have been reading the bible again, got to chapter 21. I don't know how long I can go, but it's interesting especially with how it parallels to life. I am just glad I survived my madness and turmoil, as DMT was the catalyst towards recovery that would probably have taken decades more. I was an alcoholic prior, and after 2018, I was no longer addicted to alcohol as much as in the past. My father's funeral will be around the start of March, I hope I can muster up a speech about him without crying, I feel confident that I can, but if I do, who cares. I just want to be like him in the aspect of, men don't cry. He cried a few times after I did dmt, as he thought he son was going to pass on before him, I remember telling him that this was my choice, so I have to deal with the consequences and not to worry basically. I never seen my dad cry before... that was 2011, the year I suffered ego death and then had to wrestle between multiple egos until they were melded into one more solidified self. Here is a throwback poem:

Reread:

https://www.deviantart.com/hanonesail/art/Ode-to-a-Meal-of-Life-342241415 - high school write

Full circle, from a boy to a man, and the mental aging from psychedelics has always been a fascinating process to my mind. I used to want to remember most of my life, dmt made me stick on that, now it's important to affix characters to the shards of my past. In a way, they may move on by living in a fantasy world of missed connections, what could of been, and the perfect life I never could attain by age 30.

"Leaving a lusting hunger for the past felt

Causing us to be grateful for life

Allowing us to cherish and live life

This life is more than a meal

Our gluttony may have spent it to the last

But we pay for it as we must

Ode to life we continue to its savory last bite" Nostalgia rewatch:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFrgKlOO7Ao&ab_channel=DarkVisage In the past when we gamed we always yelled and told each other the other one sucked. As gaming became a source of any income, I ended up investing more interest in trying to always win during some years. Usually it depended on how much passion I had or the game. WoW used to be it, but nowadays I have predecessor. Reliving the paragon days, just without a team. Flying solo here and there is interesting, that I can still stomach the match and go on is interesting. However, I feel on calling shots, might be rusty, but being someone used to shot calling purely was the best feeling sometimes. I tried doing some public pred matches, ended up getting fed up with how people don't listen to strats, but like ex homie said, focus on one thing... he meant rogue for WoW, and when we was winning 100 arena matches in however much time it was as sub rogue and arms warrior in wotlk, life was swell. Those days are gone, he's gone, if I want to keep climbing it's going to be on my own. When ranked comes out solo, duo will be nice... paragon never did have an official ranked mode so I can't wait. Present day:

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/2048099197?filter=highlights&sort=time To admit, even if I know, I have an addiction to gaming is funny... it's better than when I was an alcoholic or sex addict. It's better than when I used to only see myself as an object for other people's happiness. It's a more alive feeling than what life can offer sometimes. Maybe it's the immersion moments, the focusing, I know when I'm alone in the past I had focus cause it's been recorded from saved vods. Nowadays, like I told my therapist, I can't stop thinking about past friends who I used to game with like brothers. To finally be better every time to not see them around was shit sometimes, but I know I can endure and keep grinding so long as I keep on surviving the bipolar mind.

Anger problems were all over my youth, but I remember when I was a small child, I was more graceful. So why was I so full of hate during my life prior to taking DMT during 2011. You know how they say, hate spreads, someone hurts one person and then that person hurts another. The religious trauma I experienced at the first preschool I attended was why. That's why my first kiss meant so much to me. And after experiencing love at such a young age, I was chemically bound to that memory. Anytime, I was sad, it was always a safety net from committing suicide. So deep down inside, it comes down to the importance of learning from how love and hate effect each other. Since at times, I did hate the fact that we became separated as I don't remember her ever breaking up with me. Perhaps the withdrawal from the afterschool we went to was the break up. And ever since that point, my anger was controlled much more than it originally was. I trained my anger management since I wasn't the nicest kid back in the day. I was instinctive, and I never liked what thoughts or feelings came along with such aggression. Getting over my own struggles that caused stress and anxiety lead to a state of feeling at ease constantly. A flow, that compels oneself to seek meditation and isolation to refresh and forge a new self. Every year I underwent such a metamorphosis, always around the new year, spring, and sometimes during the summer. During the winter it seems like I am hibernating more, low energy at times. Anyways, last night I had a stream session trying out self-therapy in the form of talk therapy. And at the same time expressing my life experiences in some comedic form and serious tenseness. It was also a chance to recite "Collapse to Relapse", while live. It reminded me of the days when I performed at the poetry slams at Federal Trade school. While studying as a pharmacy technician... the bipolar manic episode at that time, 5 days unable to sleep for a 2nd time was rough. It made me lose the ability to retain some memory as well, and of course this is where I end this recounted experience. Now we analyze it, and speak on it, so with ex homie C.L. who meant the world to me. And personally if I was born a woman, I would of wanted to be married to, if life unfolded like that. Things I would never tell him and never will, but only with my recent progress within professional therapy have I been able to speak about such things. It's why I have come this far, to know of this realization is to accept my bisexuality, and even if I lean towards women, and have a bit of a traumatic history dealing with males, I still hang out with whoever since I sometimes rather be asexual. Life is simple and easier, less stressful not having to worry about falling in love. At a young age, falling in love with someone who might as well have been a princess to me, social status wise and personality... was a loss of what could of to me been a "perfect ending"... the perfect life better put. As I always, was fit into the role of the knight, the hero, the leader, the alpha. I got tired of it all in 2002, when the near death car accident at route 66 occurred. I gave up on love, I started to live off of hate again, but also realized shortly I need a balance of both. So by the time high school occurred, I had become a rather chill person. I was able to let go of a lot of pain, but it was never expressed or taken care of. It was bottled in, so it relapses and I have to let go every time. It gets exhausting, so DMT when it was offered to me was the chance to "reset" as it was said by some enthusiasts of the substance. Now during 2013, the manic episode of that year on FB, as usual, was fueled by my stalker D. Acosta trying to corrupt me into his perverted fantasies and whatever... stuff that traumatized me to certain unpleasant types of language. Anyways the point is, the incident was horrible, and I found myself sometime later in a bad nightmare where he forcefully took me from behind. And it felt very real, and I was very angry, waking up punching a wall. Although he never physically did anything to me, verbally he hounded into me his aggression, and that seeped into my subconsciousness and formed itself into a scene within the dream world. And it's important to realize the complications of PTSD recovery and DMT usage... or any psychedelic at least within what I know, we will have to confront our trauma after such consumption. Now I ingested chocolate shrooms sometime ago, and I have felt reborn ever since. I feel as if I less tied down by these memories in a painful manner. I can speak about my experience now and stand tall, without feeling as triggered or tortured by it. And this is who I was before 2017's manic episode from 3 months of caffeine and sugar exposure due to my workplace. Which I had no clue could impact a bipolar mind. To draw this journal entry to a close, I will say that I have not enough time to figure out what I want to do in life, and I'm always thinking about it as life twists and turns. The vital bit of information to remember, is that we can have states of depression as people, and still be happy. Feeling both emotions at the same time is tiring, but by pushing ourselves out of depression we can grow back into a flow state of optimism and euphoric vibes. And as someone who relies on the entertainment, creative, and game industry... if I want to be able to somehow get anything going, the one thing I'm going to need to first is build up the confidence and game plan to make my dreams into goals. And losing my ex homies, losing people to suicide, moving away from places constantly due to life and financial difficulties have always set me back. My turmoil, holding me back from being my apex self, and by reobtaining the reigns towards a better master ego, these dreams don't feel so impossible. Unlike when I almost gave up during Spring 2019. When I almost died again with 210 blood pressure, awake for 3 days going crazy again... all cause motherfucking caffeine and being reminded of the man who tried to force his desires onto me due to the twitter #metoo movement that year. How am I suppose to be grounded and stay masculine for what I need to do as a person, if the world wants to bring out feminine feelings out. That is what I initially thought, but it was okay because, it was important to talk about what happened to me. Otherwise, my trust issues would never become less of a problem within my social life.

I find it funny that addiction to technology, ends up being the reason I got over my negative side, Dark Visage. Streaming on twitch as that alias first, then changing to Han One Sail was the right call when I did. So to end this entry in celebration that I've reached another year of life, I'll leave within here, my two soundcloud albums. As they tell a story in a way, of how my life was. https://soundcloud.com/hanonesail/sets/halcyon-existencehttps://soundcloud.com/hanonesail/sets/fractured-echoes Highlighted the parts of the stream that mattered, being able to vent out and analyze memories, ends up with the progress of mastering some bits of how trauma and stress effects our minds and bodies: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/2046083009

Day 1 Public Server: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/2038240799 Funny UI BUG and tired, later our data got lost so gg anyways mammoth. Single Player gameplay clip: https://www.twitch.tv/hanonesail/clip/TenderStrangeBunnyWoofer-kGd_yRAqTw2pHfWK?fbclid=IwAR3YYm6087BS9Mz2BlT8sVrScHHE22_UcQ4OkGPd5E5o94-qN_U8BrEY4Hk Craftopia the previous title was nice but outdated and extremely buggy, palworld on the other hand is quite the delight.

As a non writer* post, this takes me back to my childhood of playing pokemon games. Doing resets on my red and blue version, sometimes the other versions ones too, pokemon stadium was cool too. Was a pokemon fan before getting into other titles more, but now I'm hopping into public servers, private, and single player co-op saves. Even after experiencing a full data loss on day 1 on public and friend getting a 2nd one later, we are still playing this game. It's going to be a nice little source of escape and immersion away from the stress of reality. Hope everyone finds palworld in a special place in their hearts. I feel like the company really does want to make a good title, so it's a big break that in just 3 days it's sold 5 million copies.

https://www.bbc.com/news/newsbeat-68055030

10 % discount ends around the 25th of Jan. Get it on Steam and get palworldin.

#gaming #fungames #earlyaccess #discount